Meeting Mia Jayde: Part Two
During my labour with Mia, it was intense. We arrived at the South East Melbourne hospital at about 1:30 pm when my contractions were about 3mins apart. I was 4cm dilated on arrival. I went from the suite to the bath, where I got the urge to push. After an hour of pushing and nothing really happening, I said to Nick and Nomes that I couldn’t do it anymore. I can’t get her out. They were the greatest support and had full faith in me. I was taken back to the suite after an hour of pushing in the bath, and nothing happening. We needed to be monitored.
I was still pushing for another 45mins; at this point, her head was almost out but would go back in as I was getting beyond exhausted. Mia’s heart rate was matching my heart rate, so we needed to get her out. A huge amount of blood squirted out, and at that point, my midwife decided that I needed an episiotomy. She started to numb me up, and at the next contraction, she cut, but at the same time, I also tore. The midwife kept telling me to push, and I tried so hard to push, but nothing was happening. She then started to pull her out by her neck, under her arm and head and at 9:07 pm, Mia Jayde was here, on my chest and there I became enclosed in my Mia bubble. Where I thought I could stay forever, and that was it. It was just us.
I was assessed at this point, and it was determined that I tore very badly. I was taken for emergency surgery, where it was found I had a 3c tear. I woke up from surgery with my second blood transfusion. I was then taken up to where Nick and Mia were waiting for me. This was now 3 am, and I essentially passed out from exhaustion.
The next morning a surgeon came around to discuss what had happened. At this point, it went in one ear and out of the other. She was using words I had never heard before. I was still really groggy from the previous day. I asked her to come back when Nick was here to discuss with him as well. I was told I had a catheter, which I didn’t. So that was quickly given to me.
It wasn’t realised until day 3 of being in the hospital (we were public, so we’re supposed to be there for two days max. Total days spent in the hospital was five days) that I had two charts. I had a chart start when I got to the hospital. Then another when I went down for surgery as they couldn’t find the original chart. This meant I was getting a double dose of all my medications, including laxatives. So you could imagine my horror on an hourly basis. I was then told I couldn’t have any sort of pain relief for 12 hours for it to flush out of my system. This possibly was the worst night I had a the hospital.
I had such a positive experience during labour, but nothing prepared me for the aftercare, which I felt was next to nothing. I did, however, have one Angel nurse that I wish I could have taken home with me. She was incredible.
Weeks went by, and I was no longer in my happy bubble. I couldn’t engage with Mia. At times I felt nothing looking at her. I have never told anyone that. Not a single person. I didn’t want anyone to think that I was struggling. Being a mum was all I have ever wanted, And now that I am, I’m so unhappy about it. I would cry all day until Nick would get home from work. I thought it was just the baby blues, my hormones trying to sort their shit out. I expressed my concerns about crying all the time to my health nurse, who gave me a referral to take to my doctor. My doctor then referred me to a Post Natal Depression psychologist. Where I was told that I had PND and later found out I also now have PTSD from my birth and the aftercare I received.
I was then put on a plan. I was offered medication, but I wanted to try and talk through it all first. I had three face to face sessions, then Covid hit, and everything was up in the air.
Like most people, I felt so incredibly isolated. From any support, my family, my friends. The days were so long.
For a while, there was nothing until they worked out the Zoom setup. We made a couple of phone call appointments and a few online appointments. I was also put on a mother’s group for women just like me. Who have been diagnosed with PND. That support group were so helpful and beautiful, and I suddenly didn’t feel so alone.
After a few months of therapy, I started to feel like I got this! One day at a time. I was slowly getting my way back. I’m grateful I didn’t need medication to help me start to feel like me again.
Covid made it extremely difficult to recover from my physical trauma. After my 3c tear, I needed a lot of physiotherapy. My pelvic floor is weak, but every day getting that bit stronger with my exercises. I have lost all control of the contraction in my sphincter muscles. That’s something that they have told me I can never get back. I was referred to a specialist to assess if there is anything that can be done. He found that I have an 80° discrepancy in my sphincter muscle that cannot be fixed. I have also lost the nerve connection that tells me I need to empty my bowels. I have now managed to get some of that feeling back. But when I get the urge to go, I have less than 20secs to find the nearest toilet. This has caused me severe anxiety about leaving the house. And also embarrassment at times. Even 19months on, I still have to prepare for the worst. Hopefully, one day something will change in my treatment, and it can be fixed.
Thank you for reading this. I wanted other mamas may be going through something similar that you are not alone. You may feel like it at times, no doubt. But know that you got this, mama! You so do! You are strong and powerful.
Mia has been kicking goals, hitting milestones perfectly. She really has made being her mum so easy. One day at a time, she is building me back up—piece by piece. My life forever changed on the 31st of October 2019. A lot that I wish I could change. But I’m so proud to be her mum.
If you would like to read part one of Sam's story, click here.